The burning in my eyes is a constant reminder and all my feelings of anger, guilt, and frustration come rushing right back in an instant. Yesterday morning didn't start off exactly the way I had planned. In fact, it was one of the worst mornings I've had in awhile. I was hoping to sleep in til about 8am or so. I would then have breakfast with my hubby, shower, and head to work for the day.
Instead, I woke up and couldn't resist the urge to take yet another pregnancy test. I had secretly been taking them all week and was convinced that Mondays was positive. I was on cloud 9 all day and started dreaming about how I would tell Barry, when I would start showing, and ways to share the news with family and friends. But on Tuesday morning, instead of the faint line getting darker, there was no line. Hmm.. That's weird, I thought to myself, but didn't let it ruin my day. This was 13 days past our IUI. If I was pregnant, something should show up- even a faint line would do. But again, nothing...
I broke the news to Barry while making us french toast. I could see the disappointment on his face and I broke down.
A flood of questions came rushing into my head:
"Why is this happening to us?"
"Haven't we been through enough?'
"How much more can we take?"
"What if we never have children?
This only made me feel worse. I started to feel guilty.
"Why can't I get pregnant?"
"What's wrong with ME?"
"His numbers were above amazing... it's got to be ME"
With bright red eyes, I looked over at the clock and realized I needed to get in the shower because I was going to be late for work; the last place I wanted to be. I tried to cover my puffy eyes with some makeup, put a fake smile on my face, and headed to work.
Yesterday was hard.
Today is a little easier.
Time always heals all wounds, but with infertility you don't have much time to pick up the pieces. I start more medication tomorrow and we have already scheduled our next months ultrasound for IUI #2. We are praying for a better result next month, but trying to take everything day by day :)
Thanks for all the love and support from our family and friends.
We couldn't get through this without all of you!