Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Ding..Ding..Ding... ROUND TWO! 7/8/14

Hope Over Fear - Anchor Stretched Canvas
A woman in front of me at Target glowing with happiness at all her new items she has chosen for her first unborn child, a gathering of friends where you are the only couple without a child or a child on the way, or yet another Facebook pregnancy announcement popping up is a constant reminder of our infertility. 
When I start to be upset that we still aren't pregnant, after 20+ months of trying to conceive, I remind myself of several things:

One day in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as most beautiful.

1. We are SO very blessed. We have our health, families, each other...And Smokey! That's more than enough and a baby would just be icing on the cake.
2. So many couples have experienced far more extensive treatments, (daily shots, IVF, etc) terrible heartbreak in the loss of a late pregnancy, still born, or sudden infant death.
3. We aren't into too expensive of treatment...YET. IVF is easily $10,000 a cycle, where our IUI's are a tenth of that.
4.  It took one of my friends 3 IUI's to get pregnant with her first baby girl two years ago and now she has added a set of twin boys after just 1 IUI. She gives me hope :)

Oh! Nadia, has captured my heart today with her post!!!  I, too, struggle with impatience but HIS timing is always perfect!   I took time to carefully place each item in the pouch, all the while thinking of the delight that’s to come on their little faces.  Oh, how my heart is for them, and for their good.  I wasn’t withholding good things, but preparing them for the perfect moment -  and in that moment, I was reminded of His heart for me.  For you.  For us…

So, here we are, gearing up for round #2. 
Today at 3pm we go in to check and see if we have any mature follicles.
((Fingers crossed for 2!))
 If we do, I will most likely receive a trigger shot.
(to force my body to ovulate the mature follicle or follicles). 
My IUI will then be scheduled for tomorrow, Wednesday, July 9th. 
Then, the dreaded TWW (two week wait) where you tell yourself to stay busy, but end up analyzing every smell, waves of nausea, and exhaustion and drive your husband crazy :)
Estimated test day: Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

IUI & the 2 week wait.... Longest 2 weeks of an "assisted conception" couple ever!

Thanks for all the amazing support from our friends and family! 
We couldn't do this without you all.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

"Everything is temporary, this too shall pass."- IUI #1 June 2014

The burning in my eyes is a constant reminder and all my feelings of anger, guilt, and frustration come rushing right back in an instant. Yesterday morning didn't start off exactly the way I had planned. In fact, it was one of the worst mornings I've had in awhile. I was hoping to sleep in til about 8am or so. I would then have breakfast with my hubby, shower, and head to work for the day.

Never undertimate me or my smile because  deep inside there's a woman crying with hope and dreams of becoming a mother once again and giving my child that  sibling she's been asking for,  but  am not losing hope because everything happens for a reason and everything falls into place in due time .....
 Instead, I woke up and couldn't resist the urge to take yet another pregnancy test. I had secretly been taking them all week and was convinced that Mondays was positive. I was on cloud 9 all day and started dreaming about how I would tell Barry, when I would start showing, and ways to share the news with family and friends. But on Tuesday morning, instead of the faint line getting darker, there was no line. Hmm.. That's weird, I thought to myself, but didn't let it ruin my day. This was 13 days past our IUI. If I was pregnant, something should show up- even a faint line would do. But again, nothing...

Given up

I broke the news to Barry while making us french toast. I could see the disappointment on his face and I broke down. 
A flood of questions came rushing into my head:

"Why is this happening to us?"
"Haven't we been through enough?'
"How much more can we take?"
"What if we never have children?

We I cried for the next hour while my husband just held me. All he could do is just look away, staring off into the distance, like he couldn't believe what was happening. I kept asking him what he was thinking, but he had no words. 
This only made me feel worse. I started to feel guilty. 


"Why can't I get pregnant?"
"What's wrong with ME?"
"His numbers were above amazing... it's got to be ME"

Accept what is, let go what was, believe in what will be

With bright red eyes, I looked over at the clock and realized I needed to get in the shower because I was going to be late for work; the last place I wanted to be. I tried to cover my puffy eyes with some makeup, put a fake smile on my face, and headed to work. 
Yesterday was hard. 
Today is a little easier.

Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us.

Time always heals all wounds, but with infertility you don't have much time to pick up the pieces. I start more medication tomorrow and we have already scheduled our next months ultrasound for IUI #2. We are praying for a better result next month, but trying to take everything day by day :)
Thanks for all the love and support from our family and friends. 
We couldn't get through this without all of you! 
infertility quotes | Serendipity / Quotes on Infertility « One little pink line short of ...

Monday, May 19, 2014

The Waiting Game

The waiting game. 
That's basically all you do when trying to conceive. First, you start and wait for your monthly visitor to leave. Then, you wait to ovulate. Finally, after a long two weeks of waiting, you can take a pregnancy test to see if you are pregnant. If When it's negative, you wait to start and start the crazy cycle all over again... month after month. I have been on the crazy cycle for 19 months and counting. I'm tired of waiting.
 Waiting for You. This would be perfect for adoptions or having a baby
 Friday, also know as CD 14, (calendar day 14 of my cycle) I took an ovulation test in the AM. I wasn't expecting a positive test until the following week so when a nearly positive test came back I was thrilled! I assumed the femara was causing an early ovulation and was hopeful that the test would be positive that afternoon or evening and our IUI would be Sunday morning! I tested FOUR times that day to make sure I didn't miss it... all tests were negative. I tested three times Saturday and another time on Sunday and this Monday morning- all negative. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but can't shake the thought that we may have missed it somehow and won't have our IUI this month. 

I will know if we missed our chance (or not!) by the end of the week.
Prayers, fingers & toes crossed!
Until next time- Sarah

Monday, May 12, 2014

When Mother's Day isn't Happy...

all day this has been heavy on my heart.. and then BAM pinterest goes and has this in the popular section and now I'm crying.

"The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
- Resolve.org
Yesterday was hard for millions of people and I was one of them. All day I was constantly reminded that I should be celebrating my first Mother's Day with my four month old baby.  I remember refusing to take a test last year on Mother's Day because the one I took the day before came back negative.

 I told Barry I wasn't going to test that Monday morning, but couldn't resist. I was in complete shock when it was positive. I took some pictures of Smokey with the test and went to see my Mom at school on her lunch break to show her the test. Being a Mother, she said she already knew what I had to tell her :)

smokey boy         1 year ago
I kept the news from Barry all day. I was working as a Personal Trainer at Anytime Fitness in Speedway and had started a Boot camp class on Monday and Wednesday evenings. Being the great husband he is, Barry took my class to spend time with me. I remember seeing him come in the gym and I wanted to run up to him and scream, "I'm pregnant!!" It took everything I had to not say anything to him and act as normal as possible throughout class.

When class was over, I somehow managed to get home before he did. I tied the positive test onto Smokey's collar and didn't say a word. Smokey ran up to Barry as he came home and he looked at him and said, "What is on your collar?" As soon as he bend down to see it, we both started to cry. We were so happy in that moment.


I will never forget the excitement we shared on May 13th, 2013 or the hurt we felt on June 1st, 2013 when we lost "baby bear." I don't consider myself a Mother, but I hold onto hope that one day I will be. I dream about the day I will be able to rock my baby to sleep, watch my husband hold our child, and look back at our journey and know that everything we went through was worth every ounce of pain, hurt, and tears.

I'm more than ready for our IUI this month and continue to hold onto hope that THIS will be our month :)
I was worth the wait wait wait miracle baby IVF infertility IUI by ShopCustomApparel, $11.00


Monday, May 5, 2014

May is here! Month 1 of IUI :)

Welcome May'
May has always been one of my favorite months; growing up in Speedway, IN, home of Indianapolis 500 may have something to do with this. I love the fresh cut grass, feeling the warm sun on your skin after months of snow and ice, and especially the sound of a race car speeding around the track. May 2014 will have a special memory for me this year.
It will be our first IUI!
As much as I'm looking forward to our first IUI, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. I'm extremely hopeful that this will path will lead to our take home baby, but know there's still a lot that has to go right for this to work.
You are where you are suppose to be.
Right now, I'm just taking everything day by day. My plan is to stay healthy and active, keep stress low, and enjoy time with my family and friends during this exciting month of May!
Here's what currently going on:
CD1: Started on Saturday, May 3rd
CD 3: Monday, May 5th: Started 5mg of Femara
I will take this through CD 7: Friday, May 9th
I will continue to update throughout this month!
As always, prayers are welcomed and appreciated!

Monday, April 28, 2014

Our 1st IUI scheduled!

im gonna make it happen #motivationalmonday

We now have a diagnosis and a plan! Barry and I met with Dr. Will on Wednesday, April 23rd at 10:45am ... 11:25am to discuss all of our tests and to figure out where we go from here. Our meeting went very well and we learned a lot.. I think Barry more than me ;) 
("Wait, when you say 2 or 3 eggs, you mean we could have twins or triplets?!?"- Barry) 

I think this is the way it was with Kayla, Cameron, and I!! Haha:)

   Cute photo for babies, maybe friends that have kids around the same time or multiples.
Dr. Will went over all my blood work numbers and was happy with where my thyroid levels are currently at, as well as my prolactin (17.1- goal is below 20) and AMH (8.2- doc wanted this to be at least a 2). I yelled out a BOOM when he told me how high my AMH levels where and Doc and I high-fived haha.. You have to have some fun with dealing with all this, right?!

2 minions
He also showed us the pictures and results of my SIS ultrasound. He said everything looked great and my uterus was perfect! (I personally think it will be prettier with a baby in there!) He said I have 20 follicles in one ovary and 18 on the other side. That is double what he said is a good amount! Yeah for overachieving! :) He also went over Barry's numbers and all is well in that department. He is overachieving as well!
(I don't want to be the only one bragging LOL)

So with all these great results, my thoughts went to, "Why can't we get pregnant?" Dr. Will explained that we have around a 10% of conceiving every month with perfect timing. He used the term "unexplained infertility" in our situation, but did have a plan that he believes with work for us. (and increase our chance of conceiving to 20%!)

Here it is...
Femara+IUI= baby (hopefully!)

I will start taking 5 mg of femara, also know as letrozole on my cycle days 3-7.
I will start using an ovulation predictor kit or (OPK's) on cycle day 10.
As soon as I get a positive, I will call our doctor's office to schedule the IUI for the next day! 
We will wait for a LOOONG two weeks and then be able to take a pregnancy test to see if it worked! 

We should be starting this process in early May and know early June if it worked :) 

Please keep us in your prayers! 
I will buy this for my baby if this works! Fingers crossed and praying. #IUI
This outfit is a MUST if this works! :)

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Thyroid Update (April 2014)

After celebrating Barry's 36th birthday last Tuesday (4/15) I went back to the doctor on Thursday to have my thyroid levels re-checked. Last month, I went to have baseline blood work performed and they noticed my thyroid levels were slightly elevated (2.89) My doctor said that for a successful conception and pregnancy to occur, they should be between 1-2.  So after another fainting free blood work and about 5 hours later, I found out some good news!

My thyroid levels have dropped to 2.31! I'm so relived this is moving in the right direction, and even though the number isn't exactly where it needs to be, I'm hopeful that in the next month or two it will be :)

The plan is to stay on the same dosage of my medication. Barry and I head back to Midwest Fertility tomorrow (Wednesday, April 23rd) to talk with our doctor, Dr. Will, about our game plan moving forward. We are excited and hopeful for the coming months!

As always, thanks for the support and prayers!

Take a step forward. Even if it is a simple change of thoughts & attitude.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Month 2! (April 2014)

We have moved into month 2 of testing at Midwest Fertility!  Thursday, April 3rd AF (Aunt Flow) started and to say it was a bad day is an understatement. I had such high hopes last month after starting the thyroid medication,  seeing a positive OPK (ovulation test), and not having any spotting like I typically do during my cycle. I allow myself one day to be sad, cry, drink a glass of wine (or two) LOL , and feel sorry for myself. But only one day. By Friday I already felt better and after a busy and fun weekend with Barry I was looking forward to this month of testing/trying :)
This month we... well I had a fun saline-infused ultrasound. I was glad Barry was able to take off a little early from work to be there with me. My doctor was on vacation so the on-call doctor performed the procedure. It wasn't too bad, mostly just uncomfortable. Barry kept me entertained as he held my hand and told me funny things to distract myself from the actual procedure :)
The doctor who performed the test said everything looked great and didn't see anything causing our infertility! Yay for good news!
Next text is my blood test scheduled for this Thursday, April 24th to recheck my thyroid levels. Hopefully they have lowered and are between 1-2! (Fingers crossed!)
I will keep you all informed on what this blood test reveals.
Thanks again for all the prayers!
So true!

Thursday, March 20, 2014

3/19/14: Finding some answers :)

I used to believe this too.  I don't anymore.  Some people are just vindictive and deceitful...and if you let them into your life they will rip it apart if they get half a chance.
Yesterday was a huge day for me. I had my first blood draw scheduled for 7:40am. For most people, this isn't a big deal. For someone with severe blood and needle phobia, this experience is literally enough to through me into a full on panic attack, pass out, and never want to return to that doctor's office again.
 (Which isn't an option if I want to become pregnant LOL)

Usually, a couple days before a doctor's appointment, I'm already nervous and wanting to cancel. Everything about this appointment was different. I had a weird calm over me that I have NEVER experienced before a doctor's appointment. I had a sense that God was in control and that everything would be fine. Through this whole journey, I keep telling myself, "God wouldn't give us more than we can handle."
Luckily, my blood draw took less than 1 minute and the nurse was amazing. I sat there for a couple minutes after and then left. (Easy!) I didn't expect to hear anything that day or even the day after, but less than 6 hours after my appointment, I received a call from the nurse! She informed me that my prolactin number was in the normal range at 17.1.
(yay for normal!) Then, she told me that my TSH was in the normal range at 2.89 but considered on the higher end of normal for women trying to conceive. My doctor likes this level to be between 1-2. She then explained he recommends that I take 25mg of a thyroid replacement medication every morning on an empty stomach and have my levels checked again in 4 weeks. 
I was honestly kinda excited to hear this news. I feel like it's the first bit of news we have received that is something we can change. I just can't help but think maybe this is the  simply can be the fix that will bring us our baby. I pray that it is :)
- Sarah
Even miracles take a little time Cinderella by itsybitsyelephant, $16.00

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Taking the Next Step :)

 Barry and I had our first consultation with Dr. Will at Midwest Fertility Specialists yesterday. I hoped and prayed we would never have to get to this point, but after trying to conceive for over 17 months, we decided it was time to see a specialist.

Leading up the appointment, I was very calm and even a little excited. But, the night before the appointment, everything came rushing into my mind at once and I hit my breaking point. I was filling out our paperwork for the second time, (I had originally filled out the paperwork for Advanced Fertility but had to switch to Midwest Fertility) and I just became overwhelmed. I don't know if it was the hundreds of health questions I had to answer, the embarrassing questions I had to ask Barry, or the countless insurance forms, but I had to literally walk away from the table. Sometimes there's nothing left to say and that's exactly how I felt that night. Anytime Barry would ask me anything, I would just cry. That night he  held me tight and I quickly fell asleep in his arms.

The day of the appointment I stayed busy and work and didn't have too much time to worry. Barry met me on the north side and we drove up the rest of the way together. We found the building easily and rode up the second floor to Suite 250. The receptionist was very friendly and after barely enough time for Barry to brew a cup of coffee in the Keurig, we were being called back to the consultation room.

We weren't even waiting for more than five minutes before Dr. Will came in. He walked in, called us by our first names, and introduced himself. He had already looked at my paperwork and we dove right into our journey over these past 17 months. He asked some more in-depth questions about certain issues and took lots of notes. At the end of our talk, (including him asking about when we got married, how long we have known each other, and how we met.. which was a nice change from just medical questions!) he suggested I get a fasted blood test and an SIS ultrasound. My blood test is scheduled for Wed, March 19th. I believe they are checked my AMH, FSH, and thyroid hormone levels. Once we have the results from that, Dr. Will will have a better idea as to our next step! My SIS ultrasound will not be scheduled until my next cycle (hopefully I don't have a NEXT cycle!!)

I'm glad to have the ball rolling and excited to have some answers soon!