Monday, May 12, 2014

When Mother's Day isn't Happy...

all day this has been heavy on my heart.. and then BAM pinterest goes and has this in the popular section and now I'm crying.

"The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
Yesterday was hard for millions of people and I was one of them. All day I was constantly reminded that I should be celebrating my first Mother's Day with my four month old baby.  I remember refusing to take a test last year on Mother's Day because the one I took the day before came back negative.

 I told Barry I wasn't going to test that Monday morning, but couldn't resist. I was in complete shock when it was positive. I took some pictures of Smokey with the test and went to see my Mom at school on her lunch break to show her the test. Being a Mother, she said she already knew what I had to tell her :)

smokey boy         1 year ago
I kept the news from Barry all day. I was working as a Personal Trainer at Anytime Fitness in Speedway and had started a Boot camp class on Monday and Wednesday evenings. Being the great husband he is, Barry took my class to spend time with me. I remember seeing him come in the gym and I wanted to run up to him and scream, "I'm pregnant!!" It took everything I had to not say anything to him and act as normal as possible throughout class.

When class was over, I somehow managed to get home before he did. I tied the positive test onto Smokey's collar and didn't say a word. Smokey ran up to Barry as he came home and he looked at him and said, "What is on your collar?" As soon as he bend down to see it, we both started to cry. We were so happy in that moment.


I will never forget the excitement we shared on May 13th, 2013 or the hurt we felt on June 1st, 2013 when we lost "baby bear." I don't consider myself a Mother, but I hold onto hope that one day I will be. I dream about the day I will be able to rock my baby to sleep, watch my husband hold our child, and look back at our journey and know that everything we went through was worth every ounce of pain, hurt, and tears.

I'm more than ready for our IUI this month and continue to hold onto hope that THIS will be our month :)
I was worth the wait wait wait miracle baby IVF infertility IUI by ShopCustomApparel, $11.00


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