The Waiting Game

The waiting game. 

That's basically all you do when trying to conceive. First, you start and wait for your monthly visitor to leave. Then, you wait to ovulate. Finally, after a long two weeks of waiting, you can take a pregnancy test to see if you are pregnant. If When it's negative, you wait to start and start the crazy cycle all over again... month after month. I have been on the crazy cycle for 19 months and counting. I'm tired of waiting.

 

 Friday, also know as CD 14, (calendar day 14 of my cycle) I took an ovulation test in the AM. I wasn't expecting a positive test until the following week so when a nearly positive test came back I was thrilled! I assumed the femara was causing an early ovulation and was hopeful that the test would be positive that afternoon or evening and our IUI would be Sunday morning! I tested FOUR times that day to make sure I didn't miss it... all tests were negative. I tested three times Saturday and another time on Sunday and this Monday morning- all negative. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but can't shake the thought that we may have missed it somehow and won't have our IUI this month. 

I will know if we missed our chance (or not!) by the end of the week.

Prayers, fingers & toes crossed!

Until next time- Sarah

When Mother's Day isn't Happy...

"The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
- Resolve.org

 

Yesterday was hard for millions of people and I was one of them. All day I was constantly reminded that I should be celebrating my first Mother's Day with my four month old baby.  I remember refusing to take a test last year on Mother's Day because the one I took the day before came back negative.

 I told Barry I wasn't going to test that Monday morning, but couldn't resist. I was in complete shock when it was positive. I took some pictures of Smokey with the test and went to see my Mom at school on her lunch break to show her the test. Being a Mother, she said she already knew what I had to tell her :)

        
I kept the news from Barry all day. I was working as a Personal Trainer at Anytime Fitness in Speedway and had started a Boot camp class on Monday and Wednesday evenings. Being the great husband he is, Barry took my class to spend time with me. I remember seeing him come in the gym and I wanted to run up to him and scream, "I'm pregnant!!" It took everything I had to not say anything to him and act as normal as possible throughout class.

When class was over, I somehow managed to get home before he did. I tied the positive test onto Smokey's collar and didn't say a word. Smokey ran up to Barry as he came home and he looked at him and said, "What is on your collar?" As soon as he bend down to see it, we both started to cry. We were so happy in that moment.

I will never forget the excitement we shared on May 13th, 2013 or the hurt we felt on June 1st, 2013 when we lost "baby bear." I don't consider myself a Mother, but I hold onto hope that one day I will be. I dream about the day I will be able to rock my baby to sleep, watch my husband hold our child, and look back at our journey and know that everything we went through was worth every ounce of pain, hurt, and tears.

I'm more than ready for our IUI this month and continue to hold onto hope that THIS will be our month :)


 

May is here! Month 1 of IUI :)

 

May has always been one of my favorite months; growing up in Speedway, IN, home of Indianapolis 500 may have something to do with this. I love the fresh cut grass, feeling the warm sun on your skin after months of snow and ice, and especially the sound of a race car speeding around the track. May 2014 will have a special memory for me this year.

It will be our first IUI!

 

As much as I'm looking forward to our first IUI, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. I'm extremely hopeful that this will path will lead to our take home baby, but know there's still a lot that has to go right for this to work.

 

 

Right now, I'm just taking everything day by day. My plan is to stay healthy and active, keep stress low, and enjoy time with my family and friends during this exciting month of May!

 

Here's what currently going on:

 

CD1: Started on Saturday, May 3rd

CD 3: Monday, May 5th: Started 5mg of Femara

I will take this through CD 7: Friday, May 9th

 

I will continue to update throughout this month!

As always, prayers are welcomed and appreciated!

XOXO

Sarah