Ding..Ding..Ding... ROUND TWO! 7/8/14

A woman in front of me at Target glowing with happiness at all her new items she has chosen for her first unborn child, a gathering of friends where you are the only couple without a child or a child on the way, or yet another Facebook pregnancy announcement popping up is a constant reminder of our infertility. 

When I start to be upset that we still aren't pregnant, after 20+ months of trying to conceive, I remind myself of several things:

1. We are SO very blessed. We have our health, families, each other...And Smokey! That's more than enough and a baby would just be icing on the cake.

2. So many couples have experienced far more extensive treatments, (daily shots, IVF, etc) terrible heartbreak in the loss of a late pregnancy, still born, or sudden infant death.

3. We aren't into too expensive of treatment...YET. IVF is easily $10,000 a cycle, where our IUI's are a tenth of that.

4.  It took one of my friends 3 IUI's to get pregnant with her first baby girl two years ago and now she has added a set of twin boys after just 1 IUI. She gives me hope :)

So, here we are, gearing up for round #2. 

Today at 3pm we go in to check and see if we have any mature follicles.

((Fingers crossed for 2!))

 If we do, I will most likely receive a trigger shot.

(to force my body to ovulate the mature follicle or follicles). 

My IUI will then be scheduled for tomorrow, Wednesday, July 9th. 

Then, the dreaded TWW (two week wait) where you tell yourself to stay busy, but end up analyzing every smell, waves of nausea, and exhaustion and drive your husband crazy :)

Estimated test day: Wednesday, July 23rd, 2014

Thanks for all the amazing support from our friends and family! 

We couldn't do this without you all.

XOXO

Sarah

"Everything is temporary, this too shall pass."- IUI #1 June 2014

The burning in my eyes is a constant reminder and all my feelings of anger, guilt, and frustration come rushing right back in an instant. Yesterday morning didn't start off exactly the way I had planned. In fact, it was one of the worst mornings I've had in awhile. I was hoping to sleep in til about 8am or so. I would then have breakfast with my hubby, shower, and head to work for the day.

 Instead, I woke up and couldn't resist the urge to take yet another pregnancy test. I had secretly been taking them all week and was convinced that Mondays was positive. I was on cloud 9 all day and started dreaming about how I would tell Barry, when I would start showing, and ways to share the news with family and friends. But on Tuesday morning, instead of the faint line getting darker, there was no line. Hmm.. That's weird, I thought to myself, but didn't let it ruin my day. This was 13 days past our IUI. If I was pregnant, something should show up- even a faint line would do. But again, nothing...

I broke the news to Barry while making us french toast. I could see the disappointment on his face and I broke down. 

A flood of questions came rushing into my head:

"Why is this happening to us?"

"Haven't we been through enough?'

"How much more can we take?"

"What if we never have children?

We I cried for the next hour while my husband just held me. All he could do is just look away, staring off into the distance, like he couldn't believe what was happening. I kept asking him what he was thinking, but he had no words. 

This only made me feel worse. I started to feel guilty. 

"Why can't I get pregnant?"

"What's wrong with ME?"

"His numbers were above amazing... it's got to be ME"

With bright red eyes, I looked over at the clock and realized I needed to get in the shower because I was going to be late for work; the last place I wanted to be. I tried to cover my puffy eyes with some makeup, put a fake smile on my face, and headed to work. 

Yesterday was hard. 

Today is a little easier.

Time always heals all wounds, but with infertility you don't have much time to pick up the pieces. I start more medication tomorrow and we have already scheduled our next months ultrasound for IUI #2. We are praying for a better result next month, but trying to take everything day by day :)
Thanks for all the love and support from our family and friends. 
We couldn't get through this without all of you! 
XOXO
Sarah 

The Waiting Game

The waiting game. 

That's basically all you do when trying to conceive. First, you start and wait for your monthly visitor to leave. Then, you wait to ovulate. Finally, after a long two weeks of waiting, you can take a pregnancy test to see if you are pregnant. If When it's negative, you wait to start and start the crazy cycle all over again... month after month. I have been on the crazy cycle for 19 months and counting. I'm tired of waiting.

 

 Friday, also know as CD 14, (calendar day 14 of my cycle) I took an ovulation test in the AM. I wasn't expecting a positive test until the following week so when a nearly positive test came back I was thrilled! I assumed the femara was causing an early ovulation and was hopeful that the test would be positive that afternoon or evening and our IUI would be Sunday morning! I tested FOUR times that day to make sure I didn't miss it... all tests were negative. I tested three times Saturday and another time on Sunday and this Monday morning- all negative. I'm trying to remain hopeful, but can't shake the thought that we may have missed it somehow and won't have our IUI this month. 

I will know if we missed our chance (or not!) by the end of the week.

Prayers, fingers & toes crossed!

Until next time- Sarah

When Mother's Day isn't Happy...

"The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."
- Resolve.org

 

Yesterday was hard for millions of people and I was one of them. All day I was constantly reminded that I should be celebrating my first Mother's Day with my four month old baby.  I remember refusing to take a test last year on Mother's Day because the one I took the day before came back negative.

 I told Barry I wasn't going to test that Monday morning, but couldn't resist. I was in complete shock when it was positive. I took some pictures of Smokey with the test and went to see my Mom at school on her lunch break to show her the test. Being a Mother, she said she already knew what I had to tell her :)

        
I kept the news from Barry all day. I was working as a Personal Trainer at Anytime Fitness in Speedway and had started a Boot camp class on Monday and Wednesday evenings. Being the great husband he is, Barry took my class to spend time with me. I remember seeing him come in the gym and I wanted to run up to him and scream, "I'm pregnant!!" It took everything I had to not say anything to him and act as normal as possible throughout class.

When class was over, I somehow managed to get home before he did. I tied the positive test onto Smokey's collar and didn't say a word. Smokey ran up to Barry as he came home and he looked at him and said, "What is on your collar?" As soon as he bend down to see it, we both started to cry. We were so happy in that moment.

I will never forget the excitement we shared on May 13th, 2013 or the hurt we felt on June 1st, 2013 when we lost "baby bear." I don't consider myself a Mother, but I hold onto hope that one day I will be. I dream about the day I will be able to rock my baby to sleep, watch my husband hold our child, and look back at our journey and know that everything we went through was worth every ounce of pain, hurt, and tears.

I'm more than ready for our IUI this month and continue to hold onto hope that THIS will be our month :)


 

May is here! Month 1 of IUI :)

 

May has always been one of my favorite months; growing up in Speedway, IN, home of Indianapolis 500 may have something to do with this. I love the fresh cut grass, feeling the warm sun on your skin after months of snow and ice, and especially the sound of a race car speeding around the track. May 2014 will have a special memory for me this year.

It will be our first IUI!

 

As much as I'm looking forward to our first IUI, I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high. I'm extremely hopeful that this will path will lead to our take home baby, but know there's still a lot that has to go right for this to work.

 

 

Right now, I'm just taking everything day by day. My plan is to stay healthy and active, keep stress low, and enjoy time with my family and friends during this exciting month of May!

 

Here's what currently going on:

 

CD1: Started on Saturday, May 3rd

CD 3: Monday, May 5th: Started 5mg of Femara

I will take this through CD 7: Friday, May 9th

 

I will continue to update throughout this month!

As always, prayers are welcomed and appreciated!

XOXO

Sarah

 

Our 1st IUI scheduled!

We now have a diagnosis and a plan! Barry and I met with Dr. Will on Wednesday, April 23rd at 10:45am ... 11:25am to discuss all of our tests and to figure out where we go from here. Our meeting went very well and we learned a lot.. I think Barry more than me ;) 
("Wait, when you say 2 or 3 eggs, you mean we could have twins or triplets?!?"- Barry) 



   

Dr. Will went over all my blood work numbers and was happy with where my thyroid levels are currently at, as well as my prolactin (17.1- goal is below 20) and AMH (8.2- doc wanted this to be at least a 2). I yelled out a BOOM when he told me how high my AMH levels where and Doc and I high-fived haha.. You have to have some fun with dealing with all this, right?!


He also showed us the pictures and results of my SIS ultrasound. He said everything looked great and my uterus was perfect! (I personally think it will be prettier with a baby in there!) He said I have 20 follicles in one ovary and 18 on the other side. That is double what he said is a good amount! Yeah for overachieving! :) He also went over Barry's numbers and all is well in that department. He is overachieving as well!
(I don't want to be the only one bragging LOL)


So with all these great results, my thoughts went to, "Why can't we get pregnant?" Dr. Will explained that we have around a 10% of conceiving every month with perfect timing. He used the term "unexplained infertility" in our situation, but did have a plan that he believes with work for us. (and increase our chance of conceiving to 20%!)

Here it is...
Femara+IUI= baby (hopefully!)

I will start taking 5 mg of femara, also know as letrozole on my cycle days 3-7.
I will start using an ovulation predictor kit or (OPK's) on cycle day 10.
As soon as I get a positive, I will call our doctor's office to schedule the IUI for the next day! 
We will wait for a LOOONG two weeks and then be able to take a pregnancy test to see if it worked! 

We should be starting this process in early May and know early June if it worked :) 

Please keep us in your prayers! 
XOXO
Sarah 

This outfit is a MUST if this works! :)

Thyroid Update (April 2014)

After celebrating Barry's 36th birthday last Tuesday (4/15) I went back to the doctor on Thursday to have my thyroid levels re-checked. Last month, I went to have baseline blood work performed and they noticed my thyroid levels were slightly elevated (2.89) My doctor said that for a successful conception and pregnancy to occur, they should be between 1-2.  So after another fainting free blood work and about 5 hours later, I found out some good news!

My thyroid levels have dropped to 2.31! I'm so relived this is moving in the right direction, and even though the number isn't exactly where it needs to be, I'm hopeful that in the next month or two it will be :)

The plan is to stay on the same dosage of my medication. Barry and I head back to Midwest Fertility tomorrow (Wednesday, April 23rd) to talk with our doctor, Dr. Will, about our game plan moving forward. We are excited and hopeful for the coming months!

As always, thanks for the support and prayers!

xoxo

Sarah